smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
