my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
