I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
