he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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