I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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