Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
