Four minutes until I can fart!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
