I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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