I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
