God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
