I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
