Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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