It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
