Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
