so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
