is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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