you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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