I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
