Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
