If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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