My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
