you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
