i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
