hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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