First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
