Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I could make wine with my vomit
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I love having hate sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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