two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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