if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
