I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
