Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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