Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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