is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
