youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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