; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
