the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
