Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
