The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She told me I should be a condom model.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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