apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
