and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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