i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
