2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
