I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
