I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
