Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
