I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize