i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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