we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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