why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
