whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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