got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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