Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
